Computers and the Internet according to "normal" users

Computers

• There's no such thing as a "word processor", or a "spreadsheet". There is Word, and Excel, respectively. It's inconceivable that there could ever be a computer without them.
• All computers in the world run Windows. You don't know what an "operating system" is, and don't imagine that anyone could possibly want to use something instead of Windows. (Exception: if you're older, you may remember that, decades ago, computers ran MS-DOS, which was much harder to use because you had to type (and memorize) gibberish-like commands.)
• Computers get slower and slower with time; this is perfectly normal, and the only thing to do is to go to the store, and get them to format and reinstall everything (which isn't a problem, because other than Windows, Office, all those cool toolbars and that nice purple ape buddy, there isn't anything installed).
• There are, exactly, two games in the world: Solitaire and Minesweeper. You'd never, ever think of searching for, much less download, another one.
• The idea of "software updates" is a totally alien concept. You have no idea what "Windows Update" is. If your computer ever had automatic updates enabled, you've turned it off ages ago, as it was annoying.
• Keyboards have some piece of magical technology which makes keys move around from time to time, when you're not looking; for that reason, you always look attentively at the keys when typing, even after a decade or more.
• Computers ask "Are you sure?", and similar questions, all the time, because they're made for idiots. Since you're an intelligent and educated person, you know that you can always simply click on "Yes", without reading. It certainly saves time.
• Nothing in the world is cooler than animated screensavers.
• If you do something that "breaks" your computer, when calling someone to help, deny everything. You didn't do anything to cause it, it simply broke. Those stinking computers, always breaking when you least expect it.
• There are two possible ways of using passwords:
  1. use a single password for everything, easy to guess; for instance, if you're a soccer fanatic, and everyone knows it, use the name of your team. For best results, write it on a post-it and stick it on the monitor;
  2. when asked for a new password, use the first thing that comes to mind, and instantly forget it. Do the same thing for every system or service you access. When you have to ask for a new password, use it to log in once, and immediately forget it as well.
• When following a list of instructions, if something doesn't work as expected, instead of trying to figure out what went wrong, or even reading the error message, simply start over from the beginning. Repeat as needed.
• "What do you mean, my computer can't handle Windows Vista? It was top of the line when I bought it 8 years ago! I bet you're deceiving me!"

The Internet

• Internet Explorer is more commonly known as "the Internet"; when you say "open the Internet", you mean opening IE. You have no idea what a "browser" is, or that there are alternatives to IE.
• The browser's address bar is never used. For instance, to go to Playboy's site, you don't type "www.playboy.com"; instead, in the "search field" in your start page (probably MSN Search), you type "Playboy". You do that every time you go there.
• Even search engines aren't excluded from the above; to go to Yahoo, you search for "yahoo" in MSN Search or Google (whichever you use as your start page). 
• You'd never even think of using the Internet for leisure or learning; there's nothing even vaguely interesting there. (Exception: chat rooms and MSN Messenger are cool. You can even meet babes!) Any new page you visit is because a friend or co-worker emailed the link to you.
• The more extra toolbars on "the Internet" (see above), the better and more useful it is, even if you end up with 8 different search boxes, and never actually use them.
• The more animated, flashy and noisy a web page is, the better. 
• Buying stuff through the Internet is an absurd idea; some evil hacker would get your credit card's number the exact moment you used it. "What am I, insane?"
• If you receive an email from a long-lost relative in Nigeria, it's probably legit. After all, he's got the same last name as you!
• Email messages should be kept forever, and in the Inbox. Even ads for penis enlargement pills (you never know when they might be useful, after all). When, after a while, your mailbox "breaks", you simply get yourself another one, and tell everyone that you've changed email addresses.
• If a geeky friend, relative, neighbor or co-worker, fed up with fixing your computer, suggests that you use some weird "fox fire" thing instead of the Internet, say no. Refuse to even listen. Who is he to think he knows better than you?
• Contrarily to popular belief, it wasn't Al Gore who invented the Internet, but Microsoft, and Bill Gates in particular. Just like he invented computers, all on his own.